Our Story: A Lifetime of Love, Magic and Resilience

Hey everyone, 

As many of you may already know, my husband Tommy is fighting stage 4 stomach cancer. He was diagnosed about 18 months ago and we have been fighting like hell to keep him here with us. We have recently been asking for help as we try to make it through such a difficult time in our lives and  people have been asking about us and our family. It's a beautiful story about two star crossed kids who met and fell in love with each other very young. We where, are and will always be, each other's first and last love.

Our story is a crazy long one full of a lot of laughter and tears over that spanned very nearly 30 years.

We actually met when he was 17 and I was 13, of course I lied back then and told him I was two years older then I actually was (Judge me if you want but we've all probably do it at least once I. Our lives lol). Looking at my now 13 year old son, I look back and think "wow it doesn't feel like we were eve truly that young, and in many ways we never were. 

You see, our story is one made of both that epic Fairytale Love we all wish for, but Its unfortunately, also an epic tragedy, that none of us can even imagine going through. It's about lost and found love at first site similar to Disneys story about Jasmine & Aladin but... with a west side story twist.

A little something for any chicks staying home for Valentines day ❤️

 
Link to: Untamed by Glennon Doyleb This memoir is a powerful call to stop living for others and start trusting your own voice. It’s an energizing read about breaking free from expectations.

Or...... if you want to learn something about the Origin of Valentines day here is a book you can check out.

Link to: Blood of the Ancients: The Pagan Origins of Modern Holidays By Demetri Walsh

Valentine’s Day is widely believed to have originated from the ancient Roman pagan festival of Lupercalia. Celebrated around the Ides of February (February 15), as a fertility festival Valentine’s Day is widely believed to have originated from the ancient Roman pagan festival of Lupercalia. Celebrated around the Ides of February (February 15), this fertility festival honored the god Faunus, the she-wolf (Lupa) that nursed Romulus and Remus, and featured purification rituals. 

Not for the Faint of Heart: The Brutal Truth About Shadow Work

Shadow work & enlightenment won't help the faint of heart or weak of character, because overcoming pain and conflict is its core tent so until you  are willing to face that pain and work through it, you won't be able to truly understand it. Until you experience it or feel it, you will never truly understand how it changes the color of the world for you or what peace truly is.

If you ask how were doing, we are probably gonna lie to you.... Not because we want to but because we have to.

When friends ask how Tommy Gunnz and I are, the answers that are most often given are...

We're good! Fine. Great. Doing as well as can be expected! Oh you know, we are hanging in there!

The truth: WE ARE FUCKED!!!!

So yeah, we basically say what people want to hear because the truth sucks and the reality that we live in is hard to handle, hard to live, hard to even think about and even harder to talk about.

The truth is that there are honestly no nice words for what cancer does to you and your family.

It's not something you can truly understand until it's something you go through. Not because we don't want to reach out, not because we don't want help, not because we don't need our friends.

The truth is, it's easier to give people the answer everyone expects, because no one really wants to know the truth, the truth is just too hard and too sad and somehow inexplicably feels contagious.... Because it could be you or your loved one next, and it's too awful to think about.

I asked Grok what the cost of stomach cancer is in. The first 18 months from diagnosis.

This is what it answered below. I actually laughed and cried at the same time as I read it because for every awful thing it does say, there are a million things between each line that it doesn't.

What we don't say is that we would pay any price to save the people that we love and that, as hard and stressful as every day is or costs you all, it's also the most beautiful and precious day of our lives so far because we re still here to hold each other and cry. We are still thankful to be together. We are so thankful to have even one more morning, one more day and one more night.

Wedding Vows

 Tommy,

Take my hand and trust in me, give us a chance and see, that life is so much more, then we ever dreamed it could someday be. 

Take a leap of faith with me, give love and light a chance. Close your eyes, baby, take my hand and let's make this leap again.

This time, when we reach the bottom, we won't wake up alone and in that moment we will see, that with love and faith, together we can go places we have only ever dreamed.

In a place of death and darkness past, I found a love I knew would last.

A love so deep our souls entwined, a bond so strong it withstood the test of time.

Both of us where born to fight and  carry that burning spark of life, not in spite of, but because, we grew up in streets so dark there was no wrong or right. 

Hurt, pain, anger, and lust, a life of struggle, hate, resentment and mistrust. 

We wore the chains of legacy, not knowing we had a voice. We walked the streets of those before not realizing we had a choice.

I was the shadow girl who always stayed apart, filled with darkness and a deeply damaged heart.

You where the boy, filled with noise, so cocky and so sure. You had the most, amazing, eyes, that always held a scheme, it was more then just a little strange that they ever happened to see me.

You always had this one track mind, forever trying to turn pennies and nickels into dimes. Always searching for something you didn't know you'd find.

One bright, fate filled day, I saw you walking down the street and the second that you SAW me, it took my breath away.

I looked deep into your eyes, and saw something you tried to hide, the brightest light and mind, and a beautiful heart buried deep,, down inside.

A look, a smile, a young girlish blush, a note, a feeling, a heady rush.

A kiss, a smile, and holding hands, I can still feel the subtle breeze, and gritty texture of the warm hot sand.

The laughter ringing through the dark, the willow tree and empty park.

Trust in yourself and trust in me, trust in what that incredible feeling that we both felt that night, below the bows, of we the willow tree. 

A sigh, a blush and teenage lust, you asked me for something more then you knew you would. I will never forget that moment you reached out your hand you asked for my heart, my faith and my trust. 

Days turned to nights and nights into days. Both of us slowly changed and opened up in so many different ways.

We formed a love, so deep and strong, our heart beats became one.

With every word, kiss and touch we found a feeling we had never known, we had found happiness we had found our home.

I know it's been 27 years since that life changing night, but I feel for you today what I felt for you then.

Tommy this I vow to you my love. 

From now until forever or until forever ends I will love you through whatever the world throws at us, through whatever challenge, this life sends. 

My love for you will always shine brighter then the sun, the moon or the stars. Tommy, I want you to know that I will love you faithfully, not in spite of, but because of all your scars. 

Maiden, Mother, Crone

The Maiden

I was born into darkness and depravity and fed anger, hate, resentment and bitterness more often then actual fod.

I lived on a diet of darkness and only once ever knew or saw glimpses of the light and a different life as a child. 

The Mother

Until the day life grew inside of me and was taken away. The day I truly became a mother was when I truly began to live. From that moment forward I saw the world differently and I could never go back and never again be the same.

In Motherhood I found all that I had never really known existed in more ways then words ever could have said.

So when I had my daughter I promised her a different life. Something better, something good and something right. 

We grew together she and I and we learnedd about pain, about disappointment, and about life, but we also learned to laugh and to love each other through the darkness, because we knew no matter how dark life got that eventually light would come again. So long as we laughwd and never gave up the fight, so long as we loved our world would always have light. We found healing together 

And learned to not just survive but to love life and thrive. To never give up and to continue the fight.

Next came my son, tinged with darkness and light, born into this world in a the moment between my death and my life. 

An old soul is what my son was, one who had many lifetimes and remembered them, not just this one.

My daughter was my sun and my son was my moon. My life became theirs and theirs became mine. Three souls connected and then came the real fight. To grow and to heal and to walk in the light, to not hate the part of me born in the deepest darkness afraid of the the light. For far to long I erased her, wished she hadn't ever existed at all.. until finally with time came wisdom and something changed me inside.

I spent my life building the world I thought I should want, a world I thought my children would need. I tried to build houses over a foundtion of rott, the walls would all eventually crumble and break and stones turned to just mud and straw.

It wasn't until one late night as I cried all alone by the ocean. As I gazed up at the bright stars and admired their shine. I envied their ability to shine stay so bright, especially in the deep darkness and in a place with no life.

It was then that I remembered something my grandmother, a very wise woman, once said. Baby girl don't fear the darkness any more or less than the light for the deepest of shadows only comes from the brightest of lights. Life is a balance of both not just one, we couldn't exist in this world with no moon and stars, and just always the sun. It takes both light AND darkness for the living to thrive. For only corruption can come from too much of anything at one time, unbalanced darkness oDon't hate the wounds earned in the dark, don't hate the scars that left you marked. For those are your story, all parts of you and no one will ever know their tur with if you hate them, not even you.

The Crone

Now as I enter the longest stretch for a soul, my turn in the phase as a crone. I do it with wisdom, dignity, integrity and pride and I do It with heart and eyes open wide. Rather than cover my scars, I put them on display because they tell my true story of what I lived through and that I survived.

As I enter my time as a crone, I have strength and have seen wonders most will never know. Because I learn d to not just live with but love who I become and then I thought my children how to do exactly the same. 

The secret to happiness isn't something you look for and find it's a choice we have to make deep down inside.

The message my grandmother gave to a child was, at last, received by the crone, many years and thousands of miles from the place she once called home.

Home and happiness can't be found no moaater how far we search, because they aren't a place, but rather a choice that our souls each have to make. 

To love all of who we are both darkness and light and that the only way to truly lose is by giving up on yourself and your life.

Memories are the true treasures and the only things in the end that still matter when we're gone. 

From birth unto death and as each night turns to dawn the love and laughter is all that's left of us in this world when we've gone.

At the Crossroads

 At the Crossroad

We all eventually come to points in our life where we have to make the kinds of decisions that can and will change life as you know it forever. I think that this usually only happens to some people once or twice in a lifetime. For others, like me, it happens over and over again. How do you know which way to go? As those roads intersect, sometimes your choices are clear, and sometimes all directions are unclear. 

I firmly believe in "No Regrets", but also sometimes often wonder how things on a different path might have been. I mean that is only human nature. As these last years have brought with them so much change, I have constantly found my self standing at the cross road trying to decide which way to go. I sometimes stand and review my choices and think them through as much as possible, and at other times I find my self making reckless decisions. Either way I always try to remember that who you are stems from who you where. So I look back and I remember. I remember my life page by page, chapter by chapter and book by book, and I smile. I smile, because I realize that my story is a long one, filled with trials and tribulations, filled with love and hurt, filled with all of the people that have helped write my story. I smile because I realize that I carry with me secrets of life that some people will never know. I smile because I realize that only the people that are unafraid to live life and experience it will find themselves time and time again at the Cross Road. I smile because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that only those who can tread on the roads riddled with pain, will ever really understand why it is necessary. I smile, because I know that if you don't take a chance and walk the road less traveled some times, then your life will be filled with the mundane, and that, is a fate I could never stand. So the next time that you find yourself at a cross road remember that although some roads look less traveled and a little harder to walk be brave, stand tall, and know that sometimes the best things in life are achieved through hard work, passion and perseverance.

"Never let your fears stand in the way of your dreams!" 

Love & Luck to you all!!

~MJ SCHWEIKER~

Return to the Crossroads

It seems time and time again, I find myself standing back at the crossroad trying to figure out which path to take. Which will lead me to where I want to be, and which will take me where I need to go? Each time that I return it seems that the decision becomes harder and harder to make and the consequences of my choices become steeper. It even sometimes seems as if I am going in circles and finding myself back at the same place over and over. As if I have somehow missed a path I was supposed to take and am being given the opportunity to look for it once again. Yet as I stand there trying to discern what I have missed, wondering why the way is so unclear when it should be so obvious, I feel that I am still missing something that I need, in order to find my way.  As I stand here once again ready to move forward and not willing to go back I contemplate the many things I have learned and review some of the things I must carry forward with me.

1. Never forget who I am and where I am from as it will remind me where it is that I am going and why.

2. Never regret the choices I make because everything happens for a reason so regretting any of it is pointless and will only keep me from moving forward with a clear mind and unencumbered heart. Regret is the shadow that keeps me from the light of truth and understanding.

3. Never let my fears stand in the way of my dreams, for it is dreams that give me hope that drives us onward.

4. Never underestimate myself, because true strength comes from within and sometimes if I just believe that I can accomplish the impossible I will, because the truth is, that NOTHING is impossible.

5. I must remember to accept that which is unchangeable and change that which is unacceptable.

6. Remember that the only limitations I have are those which I impose on myself or allow others to impose on me.

7. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, in this world or any other that I can't survive and learn from.

8. Never give up! I will fight for what I believe in with all that I am. I always have and I always will.

9. My integrity is mine and no one can ever take that away from my.

10.   Real love does exist because I found it once at 13 and lost it. What they say is true. It's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. 

11. Life is about the memories, so make as many as you can! Live, life to the fullest, laugh every chance you get, have fun, do stupid shit and keep the stick out of your ass, because when your gone your true legacy is how your remembered ❤️

As I stand here reviewing these things I realize that although I have sometimes chosen the wrong path or failed to understand why I was on it, I still learned from the experience and am stronger and wiser for having endured it. I also realize that today as I stand here once again, I will choose the path that seems harder. As usual, I will head down the path that seems bumpier and less traveled because I know that for now it is the path I must take. As I stand here by myself, I know that I am not alone, and I know that if I have faith, someday the road will become smother as I learn from my mistakes and avoid making them again. I know that if I take the harder path and learn the lessons meant for me that I will someday reach my destiny and the goals that I strive for, because in the end with strength, and faith, dreams can become reality.

Love & Luck 2 you all! ~MJ~

Walking the outer limits to find the technicolor path

The universe will open the doors your meant to go through. In your gut, your intuition, will actually know which ones will be good and which will be bad for you... sometimes you will choose right and sometimes wrong, but no matter what you choose or what you believe, heaven, hell, the universe. The realest thing to understand is there is balance in it all. There is always yin and yang. There can not be good without the bad. 

So sometimes we take a chance knowing what the out come will be as we learn life... But once you reach this stage, where you have learned both sides, teetering back and forth between the two, your learn to walk the path between.

When your young you most people try to live WITHIN the boundaries of black or white that society dictates, at least until they actually experience life and realize that there are different choices. At that point, most people, usually choose to live within the shades of grey straight down the middle... However, there are also those of us who take the long path all the way around, outside of societies boundries. We walk around the dark side and then the light side (or vise versa) before taking the center path... For us.. the world becomes technicolor 😉

I like to think of that as walking the ring of fire... By the time you get all the way around and reach the path of enlightenment, you have been forged into something other something different and unique. You get to see me experience the best and the worst that life has to offer. By walking the outside edge, looking in, instead of walking the tightrope straight through the middle looking out, you learn so much more. The middle path isn't necessarily an easy path because you teeter back and forth as you make your way. You do the same walking the outside path as well, but on that path, you fall in and out of the known and unknown. On that path, you also get to see what most people never will, that our world is just one link, in a chain of many.

Too much hate and finger pointing!

Today I made the decision to take a break from social media for a while. I've been on way too much and every other thing I read is hate or about politics. I just can't right now. This world has gone crazy and in a time when we should be pulling together we are letting ourselves be torn apart.

Stop the hate! Stop the finger pointing! 

It breaks my heart that this proud country has become a joke around the world. Everyone else is sitting back now and waiting for us to destroy ourselves. What happened to America the great, or the land of the free? What happened to justice? 

Haven't we seen a thousand futuristic movies about post apocalyptic worlds that became that way just like this?

Wherever the voice of reason is in this world, I wish they would speak up...

The Phoenix Poem

I am Gods weapon, his warrior, his voice, his faithful servant to command. My faith in him and myself, is unshakeable, unbreakable, it is, without end. Each time I declare my faith, and on which side I stand, the devil whispers " you cannot withstand the storm. One day you will burn, and be gone from this land." So to the devil, I reply, "I am The Phoenix, not just a woman, I am Gods warrior, a protector, his voice and his hand. I will always stand against you to protect the lost and forgotten Innocents of this land. In his name, in his light, and in his glory, I will forever fight for them, I will forever stand. Even if you burn down the world around me, I will rise, and rise again. I will fight this war against you, now and forever or until forever ends. I will praise him and sing hallelujah, hallelujah, there is strength in God's grace and Gods glory, hallelujah, AMEN."

By: MBOOTES

"YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE"

Today as I was talking to a close friend we both came to a realization, and it is that, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have. She is currently walking away from an abusive relationship and realized that the reason she didn't leave the first time she tried, was because she thought it could be fixed.  At this point in time, she has came to understand that she has done everything that she could do and that the individual isn't going to change because he doesn't want to change. She now has no other choice but to do whats right, be strong, and walk away.

I know for a fact, that coming to this realization is one of the hardest things for a person to do, especially if that person is a "Fixer", someone who believes that they can help someone change. Many of us, at some point in our lives, find our selves in a relationship with someone who isn't good for us or is dangerous to us or themselves. The mistake that many of us make, is that we try to change that person whether they want it or not. The realization and outcome in most of these situations is that we find ourselves metaphorically banging our heads against the wall with frustration because we never succeeded in changing that person but instead have ourselves changed because of the pain we endured trying to change or help someone change that doesn't actually want to be helped or change.

This is the point when you find you must be strong because you have no other choice but to do what you must and that is harder to do then most people think. You see, all though before entering a relationship like this you may be a very strong outgoing person, that abuser chips away at who you are... piece, by piece, by piece until you are molded into someone you don't even recognize. So although you may have been someone that never would have taken shit from anyone it is common for you to become someone that just ducks your head and pretends that it's okay for someone to call you names or tell you what to do or even hit you, and if someone points out your "flaws" long enough, it's all you will see when you look in the mirror.

It's not, ok, and it's not easy to remember that, but don't give up! When your feeling down, surround yourself with the positive people, because, with the right people in your life, the ones who refuse to give up on you, even when you feel like you have given up on yourself, you CAN, and WILL remember who you ARE/WERE, and who you CAN be, again.

Just take one step at a time...

https://youtu.be/SRUCgpOv9Ck

Love 2 you all!

~MJ

LOOKING BACK, SOMETIMES PROPELS YOU FORWARD

Recently I have had some blasts from the past, where people from deep in my past have found me after a decade or more. It was very flattering to know that even though I was long gone, I was never actually forgotten and that I somehow left an impression. It's was and is nice to know that as insignificant as life may seem, I have obviously played a significant part in some peoples lives.

It's funny though, how when the past catches up with you and you take the time to reflect and look back, you realize just how far you have come. There have been many times recently that I have been frustrated and felt impatient because I don't feel that I am progressing as quickly as I would like. So when faced with having to remember where I grew up, it made me realize how far I have actually come. It also made me realize that I have to remember who I am and that if I couldn't be held back then, then I refuse to be held back now. I'm not sure if I was born with the strength of heart and mind that God gave me or it was something developed throughout my life to help me survive the trials and tribulations that I  had to endure. Whichever it was, all that matters is that it is the part of me that made something out of nothing. It is also the part of me that believed I could make it when so many thought I would fail. Point in fact... I didn't fail then and I refuse to fail now. I will be strong and I will always push forward to a better place. I will reach my goals and I will achieve my dreams. My past is behind me, but it made me who I am today and today I know that I have a bright future ahead.

Love too you all!

~MJ~

A whole new adventure

I started out a city girl, made my way to the islands and am now I'm hitten the ho-downs in Texas! Well I survived my first week in Texas! Just kidding, Texas is actually pretty cool. I have to admit, I wasn't sure what it would be like here, but so far I really like it. It's definitely a lot different then any place I have been so far, but I have a feeling that everything is going to go great here. It's great to be back around good friends and I will be visiting family too as soon as I get settled in here.

Alexis has started school here and let me tell you, after schools in Hawaii she REALLY had culture shock! Her first impression was in the front office where the receptionist proceeded to dish out corrections to any child not saying please, thank you, yes ma'am or no ma'am. She say's her teachers are mean and I am saying Hallelujah.

It feels great to be back on track. Working out, eating right, sleeping right and feeling really accomplished these days. Now I just need to find my dream job and land it. Wish me luck!

Live life to the fullest!!

Today as I was getting ready to walk into the grocery store when a close friend called to tell me that her cousin (someone we both grew up with) had died. It saddened me to know that yet another person that I knew had passed away. At the age of thirty-one, I know WAY too many people that have died young. I guess that explains why I try to live my life to the fullest and experience as much as I can day by day. I hope to live a long full life with as many experiences as I can, so that someday I can tell my grandchildren stories and none of them will be lame "when I was your age, I walked ten miles to school and back, uphill both ways!" stories. I want to be able to tell stories about far off places and a million faces, about love and yes loss and most of all about adventure and taking the chances and opportunities that life offers you. I hope that someday when my time does come, that I have lived a full life and made a difference in many others. I live each day hoping that in some small way I am able to touch others lives in a positive way. My hope is that for each good deed that I do for someone, that they remember and instead of trying to pay me back,  pays it forward. My hope is that when I am gone that I am never forgotten.

My Prayers go out to Sheila Winslow and her family, may the lord watch over her daughter and be present with her family as they mourn her passing. Sheila, if your out there know that although you have gone from us, you will never be forgotten. Each of us will remember our part of your story and through us your memory will live on, I pray that you rest in peace.

Love to you all,

~MJ~